if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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