fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
