I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
