I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
