I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
