My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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