Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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