dude i'm inner monologue high
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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