hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
