I think I died a long time ago.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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