last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
