He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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