Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
