High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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