My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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