you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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