dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
