Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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