is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
