my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
