I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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