Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
