Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
