somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
