just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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