All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
