Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
