cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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