my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
