I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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