A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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