Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
