think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
