Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
