I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
