I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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