Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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