U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
