Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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