how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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