Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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