a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
