Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
