She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize