I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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