So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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