You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
