connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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