I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
