I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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