Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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