I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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