your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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