Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I want is dick and wine.
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