He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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