My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
