I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Damn victory sex feels great
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
